You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
