i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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