Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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