I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
