u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize