If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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