I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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