i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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