she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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