Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
