So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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