White coat. Heels.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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