I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
