I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
