Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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