is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
