Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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