So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
