Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
