Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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