I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize