You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
