Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize