did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
