You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Randomize
