if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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