my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
