New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
