True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
