Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
