If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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