my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
