Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I enjoy the company of your penis
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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