dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
