and next time when you feel me up, do it right
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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