I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
