the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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