even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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