chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
