Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
