He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
