I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
