Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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