Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
