life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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