im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
