Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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