You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
