I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
