And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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