Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
