everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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