That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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