Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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