Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
