he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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