Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
