the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
