Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
