you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
