I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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